The King & I: Observations and a Question Answered

Wow! The last few weeks have really opened my eyes to many things about marriage, sex, and the roles of men and women. Let me start by saying that I have never in my entire life studied Song of Songs…ever. It has been very revealing, pun intended. I mentioned this in the first sermon I preached from Song of Songs and I want to get it to you again; a great resource on Song of Songs and one that ever married couple should have is Intimacy Ignited by Dillow & Pintus. It is a great commentary and study guide through Solomon’s song. Seriously, if you as a couple went through this study together it would change your marriage.

Another reason my eyes have been opened, is because of your response. The questions, the high fives (not just from husbands btw), and the “thank-yous” reiterate the need for this biblical, God centered study. This study has long been overdue and right now I’m trying to figure out how we can offer this material on a more regular basis (A.B.F. Class or small group).

For just a moment I want to clarify something that I said on Sunday, February 22nd about the purpose of marriage. I posed the question something like this: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” The idea being that while many people seek marriage as a means to happiness, they discover that happiness is just one of many emotions that can fill a marriage. One cannot base one’s marriage purely upon the idea of happiness. So what does that leave us with? Well what about holiness? That whole line of thinking is addressed in the book, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, again another resource that every married couple should read. The bottom-line being that in the covenant of marriage we learn in a very hands on way, about God and in turn grow in our relationship with him. Marriage can be a very effective tool in developing holiness.

So after talking about the purpose of marriage in my sermon, here was one of the text message questions I received:

"So, can we be holy without getting married? Doesn’t Paul say it’s better for people who can survive without getting married to not get married?"

This is a good question. Let me start by saying, we are made holy by the power of the Holy Spirit when we submit our lives to Jesus Christ and enter into a covenant relationship with him. Then by choosing to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead and being obedient to Jesus we continue to live within that holiness. So marriage on it’s own doesn’t make us holy, it’s simply a tool to help us be holy. When I love my wife unconditionally, I’m learning more about God and his love for me. When I serve my wife, I’m learning how God serves me no matter what. When my wife extends to me grace and forgiveness when I don’t deserve it, I learn more clearly about the grace and forgiveness that God has extended to me. Marriage is a tool to help us understand and grow in holiness.

So what about the single person? So if marriage is such a great benefit why would Paul say that it’s better to not be married? Paul is right in that more can be done for the Kingdom of God if one is single. Quite frankly it takes a lot of time and energy to be married and effectively honor the marriage covenant. So where does the single person pick up a tool to help them develop holiness? The church. The church family is a covenant relationship, and in almost every way it demands like marriage, unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, service and grace. Just another great reason to be a part of a local church family, without it you are going to struggle to become all that God planned for you to be.

Question from the King & I Series

In the Song of Songs message series I've been doing, I have revived the text message questions at the end of the message. Here is a question that I was not able to answer after the message. Let me set up the question a little bit. I was talking about becoming "one flesh" (Genesis 2:25) and how the focus of marriage is to become one in everything. To become one a husband and wife must be able to "both be naked, and feel no shame." (Genesis 2:26) There has to be a level of transparency and honesty in a marriage relationship for oneness happen.

So with that background, here is the question:
"Is there ever a point in a marriage where you can reveal too much?"

You're going to love my answer; "Yes and no." Obviously, the goal of marriage is to move towards oneness. However, it takes time... a lot of time. There was a study done that revealed it takes on average nine years to move from "me to we" in marriage. Selfishness dominates that first years of marriage and it's really not until year ten that some marriages can really start to grow towards oneness. Sadly, a lot of marriages never make it that far.

So the truth is there may be be things that you can't reveal to your spouse (maybe ever), your goal however is to work towards a point where you can "drop the fig leaf" and be transparent with your spouse. It also matters why you tell them. The goal of revealing truths is to bring about oneness not to separate. So the apostle Paul's words need to be our guide as we approach who and what we reveal to our spouse. "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that it, Christ." ~ Ephesians 4:15

So to answer the question, yes there are points in marriage where too much information is probably not the best. However, it should be the goal of marriage to move towards a level of transparency and honesty where you can speak the truth in love.

Mark Driscoll's CNN Interview: Sex & Religion

My Son Alex's Baptism

Resources for The King & I: A Love Story from the Song of Songs

I wanted to provided some extra resources for those of you who are going to be a part of the new message series I'm launching this weekend at IC-Church of Christ on the Song of Songs. One of my main resources is a book entitled, "Intimacy Ignited." It's a combination book in that it is a good commentary on the Song of Songs as well as a good Bible study guide for couples. I would highly recommend all Christian couples add this book to their library. It is very helpful.

The second resource is an actual message series preached by Mark Driscoll, the preacher at Mars Hill Church in Seattle. This last fall Mark preached through the Song of Songs and did a fantastic job. In doing so the church set up a web page with all the sermons available. If you would like to pick up even more biblical insight into the Song of Songs (he preaches for about an hour) this web site is a great resource. The message series they did was called "The Peasant Princess" and can be accessed here.

Hopefully these resources will help you out as you journey through the Song of Songs. In the weeks to come I will be posting text questions I receive during the message. So check back periodically to see what questions people are asking and what God's Word has to say abou them.